GUEST POST: A Reason For Living

JO CLARE SAYS:

If someone had said to me a few years ago that I would lose the two men I loved most in the world within 8 months of each other, I’d have laughed in their faces and told them to do one. But, here I am blogging about it, because it did in fact, sadly happen.

In March 2008, my husband left me at six months pregnant after ten years together. I remember the day so clearly, even now. I was cooking cod in our kitchen that we’d just decorated, and he just came out with it… like a huge knife to my heart. I've never felt so many emotions all at once: ‘how am I going to cope’, ‘I can’t do it on my own’ ‘I don’t want to do it on my own’ even, ‘who will want me now!!’

Those following few weeks were a blur of just trying to survive, trying to eat and drink to nourish my kicking baby, feeling terribly guilty that he/she knew nothing of the despair I was feeling on the outside, and yet I was forcing myself to keep her ‘safe’.

But I did, slowly, carry on attending antenatal sessions/hospital visits on my own, and only got through all of this with an overwhelming circle of friends who cared for me, whose help I will never forget.

As the due date grew closer, I received another blow, the biggest probably if I’m honest - my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We knew the outcome wouldn’t be good from the start. We are a very close, strong, traditional family and I was a typical Daddy’s girl. I love my Dad so much - we had the same interests, (except for his train spotting!), the same bad habits. I just wish I had his brains (brother seemed to nab those) so to live with the fact that one day I will loose him... I just tried to keep from entering my mind.

July 18th came and my beautiful daughter arrived - not without difficulties. She was born not breathing and with a broken shoulder. But her spirit and strength got her through and to this day she is my sunshine and my reason for living. My dad sadly passed 5 months later. The pain of losing someone so close to your heart is a pain that only someone who has lost will know. Most of all I miss how much of a wonderful Granddad he would have made and of course I miss him as a doting dad.

So it’s been a whirlwind, and tough to say the least. But one thing that’s kept me going through the dark days is a snippet from a mine and Dad's favourite film, Castaway. At the very end of the film, Tom Hanks says: ‘You have to just keep breathing’. Such a simple line, but so true. The sun will come up every day, and night will fall, and life will go on, whether you want it to or not. You will never forget your loved ones that are not with you, but somehow as time goes on, you learn to live with it slightly better. And with a cheeky, happy, monster toddler that I have now… how could I do anything else but live life?