Betty Swollocks In My Mankini

This time last year I was on a hen weekend in Center Parcs, celebrating with the aforementioned Naomi-then-Vaisey-now-Burl.

The Peanut was about about four months foetal and starting to pop into a little round tummy bulge. I was just out of morning sickness, but still a little exhausted, so not too upset that I wasn’t allowed to bomb down the waterslides or partake in the bowling. I still had a rollocking time, and let me tell you, the hilarity I experienced while watching the girls descend into drunken mayhem was PRICELESS.

After a fairly civilised day in the spa and a spot of horse riding for Nay, we trotted off to the restaurant for a bit of nosh. On the way we recognised a fella off of the telly, holidaying with his mates. I would like to say that we played it cool, but Naomi practically pee’d her pants, waving her arms in the air, jumping up and down and shouting in a voice that only dogs can hear: “OMG! He’s my FAVOURITE! That’s so funny he’s in my top five! OMG! Don’t tell Eric! SQUEAL!”

Hilariously, we were sat at the table next to them and as such the majority of dares revolved around us whispering furiously, then packing Nay off, her head wrapped in toilet paper as a bridal veil, to ask them to do stupid things. Cue much bonding with Telly-boy.

Like the ladies we are, we left TV-boy and his buddies to their beers and headed off for a spot of bowling before retiring to our chalets to carry on the after party. I flaked at around midnight when my poor pregnant eyes could stay open no longer. Dagnammit I should’ve stayed. In the morning the gals were in fits about the arrival of Telly-Boy and his rowdy rabble who turned up at the chalet to crash the hen party. The highlight of the evening came, they told me, when three of them locked themselves in the bathroom and emerged wearing the bikinis that were hanging out to dry. I reeled in horror… “Please tell me none of them wore the green Sea Follie one” I whimpered, only to be presented with photographic evidence of Telly-Boy striking a fetching pose in my very own swimwear, the tie-up bottoms barely containing his meat and two veg. They peaced out fairly quickly after that, but it sure was a hen night to remember!!